PANIC

Okay….so now that I have gotten past the initial thrill of getting this wonderful position, and being accepted not only by the Minnesota Reading Corps, but from the public school staff as well, panic has officially begun to set in. How am I going to handle working full-time, taking classes part-time, be a good mom, take care of the house, keep everyone fed and clothed and fairly clean, but most of all….how am I going to leave my baby?!?!?

When I agreed to this it somehow seemed so far away; next school year. We always refer to it as “next year,” and this school year hasn’t even ended yet. But next year doesn’t seem so far away when you realize that preparation for it begins in less than three months! My little guy is still breastfeeding exclusively (thanks to a formula allergy) and is heavily dependent on Mama….as he should be. I can’t help but have this conflicting feeling of doubt nagging me about whether or not I am doing the right thing.

Yet I know that I not only want to do this, but essentially I need it as well. It’s not a lot of money, but it’s more than I’m making now (nothing), and I could really use a confidence booster. This is something I can feel really proud of and it is certainly worthwhile. I also know that my husband and I cannot do the opposite shift thing again; it’s so hard on our relationship! I just hope that I can come to terms with the guilt before too long. I just need to figure out our daycare situation and have everything set up to the utmost degree of certainty before my start date looms much closer. Hopefully then I will feel prepared.

But even despite all this heavy guilt (and fear), I still feel twinges of excitement when I think of the year to come….wish me luck!